Like one of the people in the video said, I believe it's impossible to be white and not be racist. That includes myself. Having that view helps me to learn how to get comfortable in the discomfort if I'm called out for a view or terminology that I didn't realize was racist or for sticking up for an institution that I didn't understand the background of. I helps me to hopefully not get defensive when called out. The more I learn about all of this, the more I realize I don't know and have a desire to learn. So I don't know if I have white guilt or exceptionalism. Maybe it just depends on the day?
It is hard to not want to defend our past actions. I look back at a much younger me and preconceived notions that I held in my first teaching job in a mostly minority school. I did not have an understanding of race, institutional racism and what the kids I was working with experienced. I made so many assumptions. I feel bad that there were things that I should have known to do differently. I was a part of the system that kept the situation for the students disadvantaged. I wish I could go back and change that. I am upset that in my education process I was not educated truly about race issues and relationships. I am sad that there was so much that should have been happening in our school to teach us how to be better allies for our students (Is that exceptionalism?) I definitely feel guilt for what I did not make better.
I hear you. I was a teacher in Brooklyn in the late 90s and I look back on my attitudes toward kids with IEPs and cringe. It took my having a daughter with severe ADD to learn how my beliefs about hard work and "success" were myopic and just, not educated. The same goes for the ideas I used to hold about race. Don't get me wrong -- I still have tons of work to do. But I really do feel embarrassed at what I used to think and feel. But that just goes to show: not only can we evolve, but racism among well-meaning whites is real and rampant.
White exceptionalism, guilt, and shame, like microaggressions, are inclinations that I need to ponder, reflect on, and strive to be continually aware of. I am greatly motivated by being “good” and “helpful”, which translates to being seen as good and helpful. My self-worth is directly, explicitly connected to being valued as a helper. I need to strive to avoid becoming a bulldozer in my efforts to be helpful. The other side of that is that I need not to let my fear of being a toxic helper prevent me from doing what I can do and need to do to help.
Your comments really make me think about how much gender (that is, how we have been raised by a binary-loving society) intersects with white guilt. I wonder if us women are especially prone to it, because we are raised to be "good and helpful"?
In the current social media climate, I try to check myself before I post something and ask myself, "Am I encouraging others to come along side me to take some anti-racist action (i.e. join SURJ, donate, join a protest, shop at a black-owned store, etc) or am I tooting my own horn?" Honestly, there is probably a mix of both but I've been trying to make sure I'm posting to encourage others. I've had a friend of Asian descent who has been posting things that feel like exceptionalism and it's not a good feeling and seems to put me on the defensive so I'm trying to avoid that. I'm also trying to make sure I'm supporting the Black woman at my church who wants to lead a racial reconciliation class by not questioning the book she chose (there are many to choose from) and to just let her take the lead and for me to be a supporter. And I've had a conversation with her about the tension I feel between having responsibility to take action and dismantle racism while at the same time letting POC take the lead and listen to them. So I hope she will call me out if I start steamrolling her as the facilitator said, but I'm going to work hard not to.
I love how you express the push and pull, the double-edged sword, or whatever metaphor fits best, the tension between taking action and listening. It's hard. And I think as your last line indicates, it's really all about taking it one step at a time, doing our best, and being willing to engage and talk about it and self-reflect as we go. There are no easy answers, and as many people are on the planet, that's how many ways we can feel in any particular interaction.
The explanation of white guilt and toxic white guilt helped me. I know that, when I feel guilty or ashamed, I tend to want to redirect, ignore, or sublimate that energy. Sometimes my own guilt or shame makes me even more judgmental of others, in the same way I am judging myself. I want to make sure that my white guilt isn't the toxic kind. The toxic kind paradoxically has the effect of making me LESS tolerant, in a self-righteous attempt to absolve myself. ("At least I'm not as bad as X!"). Guilt that doesn't inspire corrective or pro-social action is a waste of time.