White Exceptionalism - guilty!

I think this is a stage or a mistake that most white folks go through on their journey toward anti-racist allyship. I know I did. It's hard sometimes not to get your feelings hurt, or take critique personally. But I think it is always to productive to reflect on why certain feelings come up and look for ways in which there is the possibility for more growth and maturity of thought, word, and deed in our lives. We all make mistakes, and it's important to learn from them. ~ Brenda

I went through this about 16 years ago, and I have been more careful and listening since then.

I have felt this way and I have been driven by toxic white guilt. It takes up space that is unnecessary and it is counterproductive. I hope to learn how to engage in ways that are supportive.

I definitely spent many years feeling like I wasn't the problem as a silent non-racist. I then reflected back on a few situations and after some years started to see that yes, I was actually directly racist and just didn't know it.

In recent years as I've done work on unpicking my own internalised misogyny, I've noticed patterns of concerns from women fighting for equality to concerns of POC and it's a lot about privilege, talking over, dismissing, and looking away. I've had men say feminism is women's fight and we mustn't patronise them by getting involved!! As I talk more about women's issues, I have become massively more aware of the amount of gaslighting and responsibility-shirking out there, with a huge number of people utilising established tactics to deliberately exhaust and derail a conversation, and I've then noticed the same tactics show up everywhere in conversations on race as well.

As we watch another black person die due to police brutality, and then another, and another white guy get off a rape charge, and then another, I think I have started to look a lot more towards white people and particularly white men and the patriarchal structure of society (that we all support in different ways) as the source of the problem. The lack of willingness to engage with privilege is immense. The willingness to turn a blind eye to epic human rights abuses seems to be the norm, although we'd all like to think we're nice and good people.

I have felt my rage rising as events unfold and most recently seem to be reaching a climax, and I have become a lot more political online, and I'm probably exhausting some of my friends. I'm also definitely concerned about the place that my current state of evolution with this may be bordering on the toxic. I'm not sure, but I know I'm angry, and I know I'm more interested in saying something than being perfect.

I've done a lot of work on my emotions and my energy in recent years and figured out how to access my power and stay grounded in high sensation, so that helps me use words well and I am good at staying on topic, however, I'm aware that I'm calling people out (not by name) for not posting any support of the black lives matter movement if they still post daily about their mundane lives, because it feels like that is how the system is allowed to continue - by our acting like everything is fine and nothing is actually happening.

But - I recognise some people may be avoiding politics online as their mental and emotional health cannot safely withstand the pushback they might get from friends and family for saying anything about racial inequality. I'm wondering if my heightened emotions these weeks is misplaced in some way, if I should be speaking more kindly to my white people, if my tone could be softer, and whether that would make me easier to hear, or easier to ignore.

I don't have a clear answer, so I am currently seeking to get in touch with my rightness and my self-love before I go back online to find out what sort of response I've got, and making myself ready to admit any shortcomings whilst standing by my decision to get it wrong because it felt too important to let everyone, including myself, off the hook.

Social rules tell us not to be rude, to mind our own business, etc. but I feel like slavery and police brutality is more important than those silencing rules that help maintain the status quo.

I will nevertheless look forward to learning and growing and probably not post with quite as much intense call out energy after this. I don't want to fall foul of the white saviour trope, and I'm a 'rescuer' in recovery. Still, I can't tell where the boundary lies between calling people out and avoiding causing offence...when sometimes a verbal slap round the face is what wakes someone up or triggers a thought process or useful conversation. It has certainly been useful for me.

Your relating the way many men talk to women about gender issues and feminism is really validating. Thank you for expressing these thoughts.

I just finished listening to the lecture on guilt and shame. Ashley says these negative emotions can block progress when people become so overwhelmed that they shut down. I'll watch for this shutting-down in myself.

I agree with everything said here. The idea of white exceptionalism hit home with me. I am an educator; I do my best to support all of my students. I have created diversity clubs and speakers- but that doesn't mean I'm perfect. I have tried to do a better job of catching myself from responding to everything I hear; and listening more to the voices around me. I am often times a "fixer"- I want to fix things and make them better. While I can still be an ally and speak up, it's not always my job to fix it, or feel guilty for not being able to fix it. Lots to process!

Yes, the idea of white exceptionalism hit home for me as well. Over the past two months I have been trying to do much work around understanding racism better - especially systemic racism. What keeps coming up for me are twofold. One has to do with my own experiences of being discriminated against. The other has to do with when I have consciously or unconsciously been discriminatory to others. I am white, I am Jewish, I am a woman, and I have economic and other privileges. However, I have been sexually abused, I have been bullied because I am not christian, I have been bullied because I am from the US (I have lived outside of the US for the majority of my life). I was brought up being told that people are people and that colour did not matter. debunking that belief - that all people are the same and should be treated the same - that has been the hardest belief for me to fight against. I understand it intellectually, after over 10 years of thinking about it, but embodying the idea that BIPOC people have had to grow up with such different ways of thinking and that it is not just about personal culture, but it is racial, that is something I continue to struggle with. In my mind it is something that just should not be. At the same time I know that my ancestors have had to live with some of those same discriminations.

Part of my privilege comes from being "white passing", kind of like that one indigenous person from the Dalhousie TEDx talk. I can choose to out myself or not. Over time I have become more resentful that I have to make that choice. I am now starting to realise that for many BIPOC people this is similar to the choice of when to fight - they have to favour personal safety and be constantly assessing for it. All of this makes me sad. Sadness for me is a choice because if I got angry about every thing that bothers me, I would be so burnt out by now. I can manage sadness easier. But even that is a privilege. My life is not on the line like many of theirs are. So much to continue to absorb.