Yeah, I definitely have defended myself rather than examined myself, more times than is good for anybody. It takes work to see that, even though your gut tells you you're under attack, you're safe enough and can move through difficulty to being better.
I definitely think I'm creeping towards being an active ally. With all that I'm learning, that a first-glance, instinct and biased based read of the situation is frought with peril, I don't jump in to as much activity or as direct activity as I want to. I need upgraded instincts.